Why do I want to get well?

 In Diary in therapy, Februar 2009

My voice will not let me go. She constantly wants to order me to throw everything away. The therapy would bring nothing like all the previous ones. Although she has helped many other patients, she will not help me. I am so bad that I also take away the space from the other waiting patients. The voice gets louder and louder and louder.
Damn it, leave me alone!
That’s why I can not concentrate in my therapy session today. S. is sitting on one side and talking and on the other side (or rather inside me) my demon is sitting and trying to make pervert and to interpret her words always exactly against me. It’s so damn exhausting that after an hour, I get up completely exhausted and feel like I’ve been doing the worst and hardest work in the world for hours.
S. immediately realizes that I have returned to myself and almost nothing is left to me. That’s why I get a kind of “homework assignment” that should strengthen me and bring me the meaning of therapy.


“Why do I want to get well?”

It hurts so much to feel constantly that I’m not worth anything, that nobody loves me, that I’m not good enough and that I have not earned anything good.
I would so much like to live my life again (and to live properly again, without this extremely destructive voice in me).
I want to enjoy my life again, every single day.
I also want to enjoy what I do and concentrate.
When I get up in the morning I would like to feel good and not dead.
I always feel that pressure and control in me. I want to be FREE!
I would like to be happy about the food again, or at least have no more panic about it.
Besides, I do not want to constantly think about what I eat, where I can save something, or where I can throw away food.
I want to feel myself again. I want to feel and know who I am.
I want to go out and see what I really like, what my interests are and what I want to do.

I did not just write this list down quickly. Oh no, it took me many hours to even think about it.

Again and again tears have run down my cheeks, because I understood how sick I was and how terribly happy I would be without the disease. I would like nothing better in the world than to be healthy! But I am so afraid that I will never achieve this.

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