Why do I not see a result yet?

 In Diary in therapy, März 2009

Everything is so complicated. Why can not I just swallow a pill and wake up completely healthy and cured the next day?
I see and feel no change in me until now. Perhaps the therapy cannot help me. I have always been extremely ambitious and successful. I did all the exams on the first try and best with super grades. Why do not I notice anything in this therapy yet?
Am I not good enough again? Am I not coping enough? Am I not working enough on me? Or am I just such a hopeless case that the therapy will of course not cure me? S. may be just too nice to tell the truth. Of course, in the next hour, she will immediately notice what thoughts I’m thinking about. She tells me once again that the therapy is designed for a long time and you can not achieve fast results in a short time. No one can spontaneously and quickly decide to change all of his beliefs, view of things and thoughts. This is hard work.
First, you have to become aware of your thoughts. Then you have to analyze them and see if they are subjective or objective. For a long time, of course, they will be set in stone as a law for me. Until S. can explain to me more and more that my thoughts harm me, that they are directed against me and that I have become ill because of it.
The more I doubt my thoughts then, the more I will find out that I do not want to have those thoughts any more. Then the long time of “reprogramming” begins. More and more I will (like a rebellious child) fight against my eating disorder. I am not bad, not worthless, not lovable! I do not want to believe that anymore!

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