Why do I have to eat?

 In Diary in therapy, März 2009

Why do I have to eat? What a stupid question! Everybody has to eat! But wait, I’m not! Why should I allow myself to eat. This is ok with other people, but not with me. I have different laws. I do not have to eat. Food is something for the others. I am happy when they are well and they enjoy it. But that is not possible for me. Why is it normal for others and “allowed” and who forbids me? Do I forbid it? Or does my illness forbid me? Am I not the disease? Yes, who am I? With or without her? No, that goes too far! I will not even deal with that now!
Back to the food and the question of whether I forbid myself or who else? I do not know. It’s just a law that I do not need it. I have never questioned or considered this before. Man, that’s exhausting. I can not admit that nobody else is banning me except myself. With this belief I am confronting my girlfriend – my anorexia -and then she gets angry again! I do not know what to do with this question. I’m confused. Now S. asks again: Why does a human have to and should eat? OK, I’ll answer the question for the others as usual:
Everyone needs food because:

  • it is healthy
  • The body needs food to live and survive
  • It can be fun and enjoyable
  • It can be pleasant and nice to eat in society
  • Food is not an enemy

And certainly there are many more good reasons … My anorexia tells me that I do not need it. I should not eat. And I believe her! My goodness, now S. questions it again. Why do I have different rules with other people in the world? Yes, I do not know! With the thoughts and rather confused I go home now. Belief me, I am now dealing with this belief again and again…

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