What self-confidence?

 In Diary in therapy, Februar 2009

A question from S. pulls me out of my thoughts. Now it comes for the second time: What do you think, how much self-confidence do you have? If you had to rank yourself on a scale of 1-10, what number would you see yourself?
What a stupid question! Of course, i would feel 1 (at most).
My self-worth depends on the judgment of others. When I get a nice compliment, my sense of value increases rapidly to 8-9. Unfortunately, this only lasts for a brief moment, as I am a master at interpreting something negative into a well-intentioned compliment.
Somebody tells me that I have a nice, new sweater on, I’m glad. But very fast my CNC hits. I beg your pardon? It just says your sweater is beautiful. Then probably the rest will be extremely horrible. And yes, my self-esteem goes down in the cellar.
To doubt this and “reprogram” for me is immensely difficult. Any negative comment feels true to me and I never doubt if it really is. I am bad, I am worth nothing and basta!
Why do I think like this? Where does this thinking come from? And especially important, how can I manage to get out of this? How can I re-fragment my “defective hard disk” and put it back in completely new (without viruses)?
S. suggests that from now on, I take my time every day to write down my thoughts. Everything that goes through my mind, I should write down. And please uncensored!
If I can go one step further, I should take a closer look at my thoughts and begin to question them. Would S. or someone else see it that way? Is this really true? Go deeper and deeper. Work with you, with your self-destructive thoughts and your own little world.

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