The first weeks in therapy
already at the beginning of the therapy I started to dream about writing this letter sometime, when the time had come. A letter in which I review the therapy time while being healthy.
And now the time has come and I am so happy, but also surprised that it is really or even possible for me to write you this letter.
I came to you because I was anorexic. I did not understand what was wrong with me, how I could get in there and was helpless, because I realized, I can not get out there alone. I had already tried and fought so hard, but nothing really helped.
I was feeling bad. I felt lonely and lost because I thought no one understands or can begin to understand how I am, how captivated I am and how exhausting, grueling and stressful life is for me in this form. I was unhappy and was in a black void. I had no real joy in live. Every day was stressful and I was often desperate because I realized that I did not want to live like that, but I did not know what to do to get back to life.
However, this changed after the first consultation with you. I remember exactly how I got home and immediately excitedly called my mom and told her, “If anyone can help me, it’s this woman and the therapy.”
From the very beginning you have managed to confirm my hope that I will succeed and at some point I will be well again.
The first weeks of therapy I mainly had one topic: EATING and SPORT. I was so limited and trapped by my structures, rules and prohibitions that I made for myself that my life was really just to follow all self-imposed rules carefully. There was nothing or very little else besides that. Before I could do or eat anything during the day, unlike all other people, I had to earn it first.
That was my law. And I tried to do it as perfectly as possible. Every morning started with my sports program. When I thought about not doing this, I got nervous and sometimes really panicked, because then I was a lazy, unmotivated, undisciplined, imperfect and bad person. Why? I had never questioned that before the therapy, I did not even question it, because it was clear to me that it was like this.
When I finally earned my food, I had allowed myself to eat a few portions throughout the day. However, this was never allowed to exceed certain amounts and had to be taken exactly at the time I had set. For some reason, if I could not keep this, nothing was eaten, because eating outside the structure was unthinkable. I was convinced that these structures and rules give me security. If I stuck to it, after all, nothing bad could happen, everything was planned exactly. Naturally, I did not see that food has nothing to do with what happens in the rest of my life. To hide the disease and the powerful structures to anybody like my friends really stressed me out.
Every time I was invited to a birthday, I came later, because I did not want to get into the situation of having to eat there, generally eating with others, or being asked why I did not eat. When others were eating, I always felt watched and thought they were evaluating how, how much or how little I eat. That was unbearable for me.