The first three weeks

 In Diary in therapy, Februar 2009

Now I have been in therapy for three weeks. I go to my lessons every day and in the beginning I wondered what else I should do the whole day like this. Only therapy? That can not be day-filling? I have actually thought about what I could do with my free time to not boredom and thus to feel the connected emptiness.
What a joke! Where is my free time? And what is boredom?
I am so busy the whole day with the therapy, with my thoughts and with my records that I no longer notice how quickly the weeks pass.
Slowly I try to understand where my negative thoughts come from, when they come (almost 24 hours a day) and to name them.
Here in therapy we call the negativity in us CNC. This abbreviation comes from Confirmed Negative Condition and means that our negative thoughts are constantly being confirmed by ourselves and that they represent the reality for us.
Throughout the day, we “hear” a voice in our minds or thoughts that keeps telling us how bad we are, how stupid we look, and that we are no good. Again and again, these thoughts come up during the day with a variety of activities. We no longer question it. We believe the voice and thus confirm our own negativity.
Every day my main task is to write down my thoughts in a column. The column next to it remains empty. The first few days I did not really dare to write down what I actually think or better said, what the disease says to me. What will only my therapist think of me? You have to be ashamed of such sick thoughts!
Very quickly, my therapist, whom I call here in my diary from now on short S., but it has seen through and taken away my fears. S. understands exactly what I’m talking about and immediately sees it in my behavior, whether I conceal something or even lie to her (out of shame, to make a fool of myself).
Now in the fourth week I write uncensored everything on paper, what I think all day long. And believe me, that is immense – and immensely negative.
It’s not all about food, it’s about so much more …

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