The beginning

 In Diary in therapy, Februar 2009

How many times have I heard the phrase, “You will never become completely healthy!”. “You never get rid of anorexia!”. “Things are going better, then things are going really bad again”.
Who wants to live his life like this? Constantly with these thoughts in mind, always the feeling that one steers his car through life with the handbrake on?
These torments, this inner pain, no more sensations except emptiness and loneliness and always the feeling that something is wrong with you.
But why does not one understand? Why can no one help and immerse themselves in this world of anorexia and explain it to those affected in explanatory words?
Would not you rather be dead? Is being eternally liveable with such a disease forever?
All these thoughts went through my head after spending nearly 20 years with my anorexia and finally wanting to get rid of them. I already tried so many different therapies… Innumerable hospital stays, outpatient therapy (in which most therapists did not give the impression that they really knew what they were dealing with and could never put themselves in my bizarre world of thoughts), autologous blood treatments, acupuncture, hypnosis, hand trailer in Holland.

I could continue the list endlessly.
But I would like to tell not only about my suffering and despair, but exactly the opposite. How would I have wished at the time that I at least found a book in which an anorexic would have managed to get out of the disease. How inspiring and encouraging this could have been. But what does one get exclusively in the hand? Only books that try to explain the disease (mostly by doctors or therapists who know the disease only from books and therefore cannot understand it to the fullest) or fact reports in which again a patient lost the battle against the eating disorder and died.


Even after such a long time with my enemy and often my allied friend, Anorexia Nervosa, I have almost given up believing in a true cure and recovery. But deep in me was always that voice, that hope that you can do it anyway. Even if I was so devastated, I clung to my last will to live. There must be a way out of the disease! Other diseases can also be cured. So why should you always stay in this vicious circle?
In fact, my little inner voice should be right. I have found this therapy and can sincerely say today that I am healthy. The anorexia and these tormenting thoughts and especially this feeling of not being worthy belong to my past. I never thought it possible that after so many years in this disease and especially with this thought pattern, it was really possible to leave everything behind and actually get out of this inner hell, out of this bizarre, one’s own (lonely) world.

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