Should I or should I not?

 In Diary in therapy, März 2009

Another modest night
Now the occupation with the food did not let me find sleep. I’m hungry, I’d like to eat a tiny little thing. Are you crazy! It’s the middle of the night, you do not need anything to eat now! Why not? But I’m hungry … It is not normal to eat at night. Nobody needs that! That’s not true! My husband also had something to eat last night, I saw that very well. It is totally normal to eat when you feel hungry. There is no rule that prohibits this.
What do you think?
Since you are in therapy, you are eating much more than usual. If you continue like this, you will never be able to stop eating and keep getting fatter! If you really need something, then eat a little bit of fruit. Why fruit? I do not want fruit, then I’m hungry again soon afterwards. OK, but if you eat now, then there is nothing for breakfast! What should that be? Everyone can eat for breakfast. Why should I drop it? You’ll see: If you eat something at night and also for breakfast, you’ll get pretty fat!
You know what, you stupid voice. I am so extremely skinny that it would not hurt me to increase a bit. You probably did not listen to me. I did not say that you would gain weight a bit, I said that you were getting fat.
I do not believe you, you’re just lying around as always! You can only trust me! Believe me, I was always there for you! But I do not believe you any more, I now trust my therapy and my therapist! That’s rubbish! How can you believe a therapist you just know for a few weeks? You already know me for many years! Your therapist does not want you good. Join me! I know that I’m not feeling well with you, on the contrary! I can not lose anything anymore! I can only win! I know you better than anyone else. I’ve been with you for a long time. I know what you need! I actually prevailed and ate at night. At 5 o’clock in the morning, my child woke up and ate some nuts. So I have seen that it is totally normal, something in between, no matter what time, something to eat. It was not easy for me, but I had a good example to see that it’s nothing weird!

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