My weekend at home

 In Diary in therapy, März 2009

At the weekend, I was at home to see my family. These 2 days were terribly hard for me. I wrote everything down, as I learned in therapy. On the one hand, I wrote down my illness as a voice and, on the other hand, I tried to write down the real voice, that is, the healthy side (which is still quite theoretical).
I’ll sketch the dialogue:
Phew, I feel so extremely weak. Since I’m at home, I feel so many problems. I’m too weak, I can not face them. I can not do it! Of course you can do it! At the moment you are just too tired to see things clearly and understandably. But see, my suitcase broke and because it started to snow heavily, it was very hard to get a taxi. Well, you got one! That was rather positive then!
The other issue is a day-to-day event that should not be annoying. Nothing dramatic!
My children and my husband did not want to have lunch. Why should I eat then? And also alone? Then I do not need anything!
Of course you need something to eat. It does not depend on whether the others eat or not. You should listen to yourself and your needs. If the others are not hungry, they do not have to eat for you. They will go to the fridge themselves if they feel hungry but you won’t. Now my children did not want to nap. Not another problem! I cannot stand this anymore. This is just a small matter. Of course you can do it! Where is the problem?
I should really relapse again and reviving my old structure. It felt so good being sick. My disease gave me security, I am missing it. And what do I have now? I feel alone. I need a stop. But only the disease can give me that! That is not true. The disease dominates you. It destroys you. She gives you no grip. That is deceptive. It’s just hard to fight against it at the beginning. The further you are, the better and easier it becomes. Seek help. Call your therapist when you are in despair. You’re worth it!

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