My beloved girlfriend – or rather hated enemy?

 In Diary in therapy, März 2009

Last night I wrote down everything I thought and felt. What exactly was my voice, my disease and where was my own voice? I cannot tell exactly, not yet! But now, I am getting support and help, so soon it will come that I as well can distinguish between my negative beliefs and my real me. I was lonely, sad, isolated, desperate and empty. But now I have hope again.
OK, I will face my thoughts, no matter how hurtful and terrible that will be. Only then will I really get to know my illness, see and understand that it does me no good and is not my girlfriend and then fight it too. The paradox and the sick is that I feel so familiar and “comfortable” with my anorexia. I know her, she’s been living with me for so long, she’s so familiar to me that I think I can not live without her. And worse, I do not want to lose her.
How can I fight her if she’s so familiar to me? What am I without her? A nothing! Worthless! Lonely! But am not I lonely with her too? And do not I feel worthless and as if I do not exist for others? Oh, my goodness! It’s all so complicated, I’m so confused. What should I believe? Who should I believe in?
S. I know only recently. She sounds very empathic and trustingBut I have known my anorexia for 20 years. Nobody can compete with this close relationship until now. But I want someone to be able to fight and win against my anorexia! Do I really want that? Am I ready to do everything for it?

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