I’m waiting for you!

 In Diary in therapy, März 2009

And how do you feel as a constantly eating individual? You have to be ashamed of yourself!
I can not explain exactly why I stick to this new structure and try to eat my food. But honestly, it’s not so terrible and terrible. When I ate with my children, it gave me a sense of connectedness and belonging. That was almost nice. For the first time in a long time, I did not feel like a monster or a leper who prefers to be alone and does not eat or hide everything.
That can not be true! I give you security and nobody else! The feeling that I am now in therapy and especially that I feel that it helps me gives me security. Not you! Do not fool yourself! You’re alone! Nobody cares how you feel. Nobody cares about you! Stop doing that! That makes me sad! Then fight silly alone in your therapy! That is not right. I have support and help. I have the therapy and the therapists.
How stupid you are! What do you think? They do not support you because you are such a great person, but because they make money with you! They also just do their job. That’s why they tell you nice things and you’re so stupid that you believe that too! Stop doing that! I do not want to hear anything anymore! Take a close look! I am waiting here for you! Make your stupid therapy! I’ll wait for you until you’re done. I’ll be there! I do not want to believe that. I try to believe my therapist. She knows that you will not be there when I am well. I’ll wait! You see: Today you are alone and tomorrow you will be alone too. Nobody is there for you. I’ll wait!

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