I am the driver

 In Diary in therapy, Februar 2009

I feel really bad today. I notice how my illness is trying to get me under control more and more. In no case should I get involved in the therapy, as my anorexia would then have lost the fight and have to go. My voice, my CNC, is getting louder every day and almost screams that I should stop the therapy and go home – of course with my illness in my suitcase! My CNC pounces on any negative thought and turns a small mosquito into a giant elephant.
OK, of course, in recent days, I had unpleasant or not so nice experiences. But I should try to see the always existing good or beautiful things and to focus on them. If I feel bad and totally confused, I should sit down and let my mind run wild. Just write down everything that concerns you. Then review your records and try to find the positive aspects. This is, what S. recommended me. My CNC got me on the weekend. It tried to persuade me that the therapy will not help and that I should go home immediately. I would not have learned anything and just wasted my time. Now my work begins: No, that is not true. The therapy has already helped some patients before me and will help me too! It takes time and patience. But it will happen.
For 20 years I have been thinking in my negative pattern and have never doubted my CNC. Of course it will take a while until I think objectively and logically. But it will come.
Not only am I impatient. My illness is also impatient.
She does not like to be here, she doesn`t like me to recover. That’s why she’ll keep trying to get me out of here and convince me to stay with her.
However, I have decided for my life and for my health. My feeling tells me that I’m on the right track. I am the driver and take a new route.

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