Control (or not?)

 In Diary in therapy, März 2009

Today I should consider an example in which I again confirmed my subjective feeling and thus acted directly against me.
When I think about it, I realize that I always think and feel that way. Well, let me give you an example. If someone insults me or does not treat me correctly, then I immediately feel the need to control my food more or not to eat at all.
Well, let’s see why that is, and especially if it really has to be this way: I (or my illness) strongly believe that I want to control something in this situation. But since I feel weak, the only thing I can control is the food. This is my own world, in which no one can dive in or no one can tell me what to do. Here I am the strong one!
Is it really like that? Am I strong here? Is it under my control?
No, being realistic (or healthy), I am rather weak when I’m not eating. Why should I punish myself with food or no food? And worse, I am not in control of anything, the food and especially these thoughts are controlling myself. Actually, I should do something good for me and not confirm myself in the negative thoughts. Great, now I leave completely confused the therapy and have enough thoughts, which I take home with me.

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