Am I not suffering enough?

 In Diary in therapy, März 2009

6 o’clock in the morning and another sleepless night. This time, it was not my children but my own thoughts that kept me from sleeping. Again and again I am startled and the thought carousel turned faster and faster, I couldn’t stop it. Certainly it has to do with the fact that last night I saw a DVD with the therapy after Peggy Claude-Pierre. It was aired in Canada on television and presented Peggy’s therapy facilities, her type of therapy was explained and many affected people were interviewed and presented their way out of the suffering.
It was a small miracle to see how those concerned got better and better, and how emaciated, self-deprecating people became the lovable and beautiful people again, that they were always deep inside.
What did it trigger in me? Self-doubt and fears boring into me. I also want to have such a chance for everything in the world and find my way back to myself. But my voice is so powerful that it makes me doubt everything. Why should the therapy help you? Do not you want to give your place to someone else who really deserves it? It costs way too much money. You are not worth it! Will you ever manage to really never live with your voice again? If you’re not busy eating and eating anymore, what do you want to do with yourself? You have nothing else in the world!
And then you want to release the only thing that means something to you! You have to be completely crazy! During the night, when I kept trying to sleep, I wondered again and again why I wanted to be healthy. What are my motivations? I have indeed found some reasons, but I only know them rationally, I cannot feel them. Why not? Am I not suffering enough?

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